Sep 14 2008
Still Running in Circles
Well, 2 months have passed since my last post. It has been a busy Summer for me, so I admit I haven’t had a whole lot of time to focus on this. Before I continue, I want to apologize to the people I haven’t responded to yet. I got a few lovely private messages, and I want you to know I read every single one of them. Thank you 
Now, as far as my situation is concerned: our common friend has lead to nothing. She’s no longer in touch with him, so yeah. Last week, I reconsidered my whole “I’d rather die than send an e-mail” rule. Not sure what triggered it, but it suddenly popped into my head that it might not be SUCH a bad idea after all. I wrote a draft and let it simmer for a few days, then showed one of my best friends who actually found it surprisingly good … it was short and casual. Just a simple hello and how are you doing type of thing.
But I don’t know. Still. E-mails are so easy to ignore. And I know he’s not really a computer person, so he could end up only checking his box in 6 months, and if it’s one of those stupid boxes that auto delete messages after 30 days, I’ll be left wondering forever and it will only drive me crazier not to know whether he purposely didn’t respond or what.
So then. I might give our geographical closeness a shot (is that even a word?). There’s a place right next to his work, where I used to have lunch on a regular basis in the past. I’m starting to think that picking up this old habit might push my luck a little. And physically bumping into someone generally has a bigger impact than a random text. I know that totally sounds stalkerish though. I feel like a creep for considering this, but it’s the best I can come up with right now … **sigh**
I had such a panicking thought yesterday: as I was staring at my little e-mail draft, I tried to imagine what kind of response I could end up getting. At first I imagined a quick “hey, nice to hear from you “, and then it slowly drifted to “Oh hey, I’m doing great! I’m about to get married!”, and then “Amazing! I just got married and I’ll soon be a dad”. I think I slightly hyperventilated for a minute. **shudders**
The “signs” have stopped, by the way. No more synchronicities since July. Hmm …
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Hello Everyone, When I first found this site I was just amazed that others were experiencing and going through what I have been going through for the past two years now. I would like to share my story with you all because reading your comments have really helped me finally decide that I may not be going out of my mind, (the Jury is still out though)
I went out with this guy two years ago and even on the first date I felt there was something ‘dark’ about him. So much so I decided not to go on a second date. The week that followed had me unusually upset about what I had done feeling an unbearable feeling that he was my soul mate (a term I have never used or felt for anyone in my life before) I contacted him and we went on to see each other for a brief 5 weeks. During this time he was unpleasant, insulting, bizarre and muddled in conversation to say the least and was clearly a troubled individual.
Patience never having been my strong point but I found myself being extraordinarily patient with him until one day he stated I must be scared of him by now (I oddly wasn’t) and he must end it which he did in a equally bizarre and almost weird fashion, asking me why I had put up with so much……….I wasn’t sure myself!!
I was fine and went to work the next day by the next day I was in my bed feeling like my world was falling apart (completely out of character for me) I felt totally in love and linked to this guy for no sensible reason. I became so ill I ended up at a psychiatric doctor. Yet not at any point could I explain in my own head the enormity of how I was feeling or why, it didn’t make sense and even though I was clearly very disturbed never felt mentally ill. (although my family thought I was!)
I had weird gang stuff happening outside my home, excess cars circling in my neighbourhood ( I lived in a tiny village with few cars around normally) My mother and myself almost run over by an aggressively driven van to name just a few incidences over 3 months or so. A policeman friend confirmed was in fact NOT my imagination and gangs etc had been found hanging around unusually. and confirmed and listened to a weird phone message made up of sound bites (as I later found out) on my answer machine That along with a myspace page (this guy said to me on the day he was breaking up with me “I want to give you some “myspace” a strange thing to say maybe… duh………… I never even knew at that point what “myspace” was and only found it as I randomly “Googled” my name one day…. and I have a very unusual name) Blogging related to my house contents, personal stuff only known to this guy, clothes I was wearing daily to work etc even a picture of a cushion cover used as a part of the page design. Under the people I wanted to meet section on the page it had a box with “SORAD” flashing I even showed my friend asked her what it meant, , another with “T-Squared“, another with “Be my bitch” and another with “Done and Dusted” so was it coincidence that in the next few days I had a cold call meeting with a guy from a company from T-Squared whose car plate was SORAD (I checked our company signing in log to make sure I hadn’t hallucinated!!) A few days later a cleaning company called for an appointment with me with the name Done and Dusted and the rep said to me in context to a relative normal conversation) “be my bitch” ………….At this point a padded cell was looming………..haha
Laughing aside some of the page contents and pictures were very disturbing and therefore very scary.
I called him at this point and threatened injury on him if he endangered my elderly mother again and blasted him over the “myspace” page he cockily said “prove it” and sadly cos it was personal things to me coupled with inability to copy and save some of the material on it, and with my family who still thought I was imaging it and it was just normal coincidence I had little confidence to report again to the police.
I found the almost surreal synchronicities quite disturbing and scary at times to such a degree I thought I was by now losing the plot. they were coming every day 5 or 6 things in a row, bizarre verbatim stuff, not average conversation that you would normally hear every day for example I told this guy while having a discussion on Manic depression that “sometimes I think I have manic depression” (this was just one of dozens of other verbatim stuff like this) this was said to me by a work colleague in the middle of coffee break in front of people. (It was a totally unusual thing for this particular staff member to say) And with hindsight was more likely to be something this guy from my past may have been regurgitating to a friend in some kind of sick jest ….so did I hear my work colleague say this or was I experiencing a clairaudience/empathic experience?? I honestly thought I was hearing voices by now as this was one of so many along these similar lines. Not only this but every time I would watch television or listen to music they would crop up, driving to work etc etc to such a degree my only respite from it was to sit quietly with no outside stimulus at all. It was both hideous and amazing at the same time, once I said to myself this must be what it’s like to be on acid or something! I did where possible go about confirming with evidence what I was hearing and seeing if for no other reason but to try and evaluate my mental health!!!. Like yourselves I have tried to find reasons, I have spent the last two year s studying all mental illnesses (however nothing seems to fit the bill here very well)
Then religion/spiritualism (this fitted better) then clairvoyance and empathy (which was very close as sometimes I found MYSELF behaving and saying (verbatim) the kind of bizarre stuff this guy said or even did, I often felt like I was turning into him!!)
Then PTSD and harassment tactics and finally but not lastly synchronicity.
There was no question in my mind and at some point this guy (or others) was stalking me along with harassment from some of the local people. However how ever much I can rationalise some it could have been orchestrated (I live in a small town so it was possible) It couldn’t explain it all.
I couldn’t even begin to list all my experiences as it would amount to a list covering every day for the last two years. This is would you believe just a snapshot!!! I do wonder how I am still standing sometimes. Being a very analytical person, personally and in my work environment there is no doubt. I think my unbearable need to work it all out has sent me at time off the rails at times
I will say not all of the synchronicities have directly linked to him, some are random and certainly appear unconnected which at times confused me further!
Was my connection with this guy so strong for some unknown reason I had an empathic experience and absorbed all of his problems hence the feeling I was “becoming him” ?
Did the harassment and thus fear send me into an altered mind state that created PTSD so that I noticed these things because I was traumatised?
Is the web page also just synchronicity like the rest of it?
Am I ill??
Am I living in some kind of parallel universe (quantum theory)?
Am I been giving warning signs from the spirit world that I am in danger from this guy and that’s why they remind me every day so that I’m on my guard? Which I am by the way.
Was he truly my soul mate?
Am I in a spiritual learning zone that I will utilise in the future?
Is it not just one thing but a combination of a few of the above?
I too have had the burning desire to contact this guy as I felt as he would be the only person who could possibly make sense of it and understand, but as the period of time with him and thereafter has been so traumatic and at time terrifying I have resisted.
A further weird thing was on the day this guy ended the relationship he got upset at something I said and then said out allowed “its only normal conversation” something I have since have had to say to myself a hundred times to stay sane! Was he experiencing something at the time what I was then to go on to experience myself?
I moved house and a little ‘Of this world’ harassment at my new home continued for a brief time and then thankfully stopped. The “myspace” page is still active but only every other week or so has something personal to me on it.
I still have the “not possible to be orchestrated” synchronicities every other day with the worst day having still an amazing 5 or 6 in a row.
For the last 9 months I have been in another relationship which has been ‘normal’ and although I feel it may not work out for us do not feel unbearably upset at the concept of it ending as I did before with that guy.
I wish I had answers for you all and I am still sadly waiting for it all to make sense one day, Which of course may never happen which is the most disturbing thought because it would seem so futile to have experienced all this for no reason.
Thanks for allowing me to share this with you and I apologise if it makes a difficult read but to get all of what’s happened to me into some kind of chronological and readable order. Has been harder than I thought
Good luck to you all and if I find the definitive answer I will be sure to post again.
A
^^ Wow, that’s a pretty heavy story there. It seems to be surrounded by a lot of negativity (unless I read this wrong). I know how hard it can be to let certain things go, but if it hasn’t brought any love or goodness in your life so far, I would stay away from anything linked to him. In any case, keep us updated!
Hello A; I agree with Karral. It sounds very dark and heavy. . It could be a past life connection that you have with him or any number of things. You may well be emphatic and that could be another reason why you have absorbed so much from him. If that is the case find ways to protect yourself spiritually.If you need help letting go of the energetic connection to him, get help from a shaman, past life therapist, etc… Also if you feel mentally drained and vulnerable PRAY…it works!
Wishing you love and light.Gail from london.
Karral, I cant believe you haven’t made contact yet! What are you waiting for? From what you say it doesn’t sound like this is dominating your life, so I understand you taking your time. But what about the rest of us, who want to know what happens with you two? lol… Seriousley, whatever you decided, goodluck and remember that we have several soulmates and they come in and out of our lives for a reason. So if there is no way for you to re-connect, trust life knows best.
Gail
ps: When I went through the whole synchronicty thing, with my first love, then broke up with him. I thought ‘thats it, now I’m gonna spend the rest of my live pining for my lost love’. In fact I spent 8 years…missing him, being reminded of him with synchronicities etc…Then they tapered off. In between met some dodgy men. Now at last I’ve found love again… It feels like I’ve been given a second chance…Just hope I’ve learnt from the past and don’t stuff up again.
Gail
Hey Gail! Thanks for your comments! It sort of sucks that you didn’t end up with him (although I don’t know the whole detailed background story, and so maybe it is best the way it is now?). Did you ever get to contact him again at all?
To be honest, I’ve been way too busy these past few months to really worry about him in particular. A lot of things are changing in my life right now (good things btw). So I know it looks like I’ve let a lot of time pass without doing much about this situation, but the whole context makes sense on my side of the screen lol I guess the time simply hasn’t been right so far, and perhaps that’s the reason why coincidences have stopped for now (?)
That being said, I am determined to push things forward soon. I do have a few more busy weeks ahead of me, but I will definitely keep this blog updated.
Thanks again!
Hi Karral, no I didnt see him again. It was hard to let go, or rather should I say it was hard for my ego to let go.
Your situation will definetly have the right outcome for you and you seem to be handling things right. Not over obsessing, and keeping an open mind. Goodluck whatever you decide!
Gail