It’s been 85 days since we got back in touch. Substract about two weeks from that before we actually started dating …

I feel like such a dumbass right now. Last night, I went over to – what I guess you could now call – my boyfriend. Although technically speaking, we have been perfect catholics so far, if you know what I mean. And hell, I don’t even go to church, so I’m not sure why our interactions are so goody-two-shoes. But anyway. We went to his neighborhood, got pizza, then went to his house to watch a movie, then we decided to watch another one, and before you know it, it was past 2am … so then he drove me back home, escorted me to my door like a perfect gentleman, and then nothing. I mean, no kiss or anything. Well, yeah ok, we kissed on the cheek but that’s nothing special. I’m talking about a real kiss here.

So then he left, I went upstairs, crashed on my bed, and felt like a total failure. Why oh why did we not kiss? We have been dating for long enough now, it should have happened already. I try to figure out how we even got this far without any action, but I guess it just sort of happened and now we seem to be stuck in these dynamics. Which I know is totally silly since we’re obviously attracted to each other.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a vague memory of me sending him a text before I fell asleep. But I was dead tired and had had half a bottle wine, so I couldn’t remember for sure. I checked my phone, and sure enough, there it was in my “sent” box. I clicked to read it, and the damn thing basically included “You’re sweet” … to which I got no response.

WTF is wrong with me? Why did I suddenly think it would be a brilliant idea to send him that? I can’t really blame him for not answering (yet) though, because he’s probably had a severe lack of sleep (he had to get up 3 hours later) and he’s still at work right now. So hey. It’s not a total fiasco just yet.

Of course, if I don’t hear from him by the end of the evening, I’ll feel like a major loser, and I’ll probably end up curling up in my bed and watch a DVD while munching on candy. Because that’s just how I deal, you know. I deal like a pro.

He’s already agreed to go out on Saturday, which happens to be Valentine’s … although neither of us has mentioned the actual occasion. And if he doesn’t text me back or anything by Saturday, I’m probably gonna feel so confused, I won’t even know how to feel about myself.

I’m weird, he’s weird, we’re both weird and I guess we make a weird pair with our weird little quirks and hangups. And I suppose some people could see some beauty in that, and truth be told, I’m actually one of them, but it just doesn’t seem to be the most fulfilling situation to be in right now. It’s a challenge, for sure. I think it’s becoming obvious how ridiculously similar we are … including our shyness when it comes to initiating physical contact. Quite a bad combo, I guess. Although, everything else clicks like it’s never clicked with anyone else before … I just can’t let go at this point.

Of course, there is the option of me just kissing him. I suppose I could have done so last night, because he was clearly hoping for it when he walked me to my door, but I’ve just been so chicken about the whole thing. It’s like I’m gonna pass out if we touch, because the feelings are so overwhelming. I’ve honestly never had this before. Sometimes he looks at me and it’s like my heart is gonna stop beating and I’m gonna die right there, so I end up looking away because I feel like I just can’t take it. Is it even possible to love somebody “too much”? I’m seriously confused, and I’m not sure how to grab myself together and move forward. I just freeze like an idiot. What is wrong with me?

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